We’ve all seen the many lists of travel tips and travel hacks floating around the Internet. Heck, I’ve contributed to many of them, including my 101 Travel Hacks for the Business Traveler or The Top 5 Tips for the First Time Business Traveler. But who’s talking about the dumb travel tips? The ones that are just plain silly? I am. That’s who! I’ve compiled a list of the nine dumbest travel tips that I’ve ever heard for your reading enjoyment. Check ’em out and share your “stupid travel hacks” with us on Twitter (@CBoardingGroup).
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The Nine Dumbest Travel Tips I’ve Ever Heard
- Bring a towel. Who brings a towel? Dumb idea. Just takes up space in your backpack or suitcase. You can always get one when you are there. Beside, then you have to travel with a wet towel! Skip the towel.
- Pack a swimsuit. Let’s be real – are you really going to go swimming while on your business trip? No. You’re not. Stop fooling yourself. The chances of you taking a dip in the covered Hampton Inn pool in Minot, ND is highly unlikely.
- Check your bag (there’s less to lug through the airport). Some people are just dumb. “I don’t want to have to lug my stuff through airport!” Translation: you are
too stupid to pack less stuff. The first rule of business travel club is NEVER CHECK YOUR BAG.
- You Should Rent from Avis. Ok, now I am just picking on Avis. I am a National Rental Car guy. Have been for years. Great service, slick rental process, good cars, etc. Avis…eh, not so much. For some reason the business travel gods are punishing me by forcing me to have to rent Avis at my current firm. #CurseYouAvis.
- Have a cocktail on the plane – it will help you sleep. First of all, drinking at 7am is a stupid idea (you know who you are “guy on that Southwest flight to Midway last week!” Second, are you really gonna sleep? And if so, how “good” of sleep is it really going to be. If you want to drink – drink. You don’t need a friggin reason. You are an adult.
- Dress to impress on the flight. Full stop. Have you ever been on a plane? Does wearing a suit w/ uncomfortable shoes and a tie sound like the kind of idea that mixes well w/ a coach seat on a regional Delta flight to Boise? Uh, no. I get it if you are coming BACK home having just left the customer site (I still throw on jeans), but wear something comfortable and throw on the nicer clothes when you get there. Besides, you won’t look like a wrinkled mess when you get there.
- Get some booze at the Duty Free shop, man! Sigh…are you really so poor that you need to save a few bucks by buying a gallon of man perfume at JFK? Or that bottle of wine that will probably break in the overhead compartment and cover you with 1984 Chardonnay? And who wants to lug that crap around for the rest of your tip. Skip the duty free…and stay free, man.
- Sit by an emergency exit to survive a plane crash. Listen, you’re going to die if the plane crashes. If you sit near the exit you just get the person who dies first. Yay! You sit near an exit row for one reason and one reason only. LEG ROOM.
- Sit at the back of the airplane to survive a plane crash. See #8 for your chances of survival. Also, pro tip for you here: if you sit at the back of airplane you get to look at peoples crotches all flight while they queue up for the lavatory. #hardpass.
Travel is hard, man. I know! I do it every day. But don’t make it harder by following stupid advice. Stick w/ the pros and follow our lead. Or don’t. It will give us something to laugh at.
And if you are craving more laughs, check out my business travel memes.