The 9 Dumbest Travel Tips I’ve Ever Heard

by Jeremy Ballou September 11, 2019

written by Jeremy Ballou September 11, 2019

We’ve all seen the many lists of travel tips and travel hacks floating around the Internet. Heck, I’ve contributed to many of them, including my 101 Travel Hacks for the Business Traveler or 147 Business Travel Tips. But who’s talking about the dumb travel tips?

You know…the ones that are just plain silly? The ones that simply don’t make a lick of sense at all or maybe only apply to a very narrow aspect of traveling. Well, we are…that’s who. Yep, we’ve compiled a list of the nine dumbest travel tips ever heard for your reading enjoyment. Check ’em out and share your “stupid travel tips” with us on Twitter (@CBoardingGroup).

The Nine Dumbest Travel Tips I’ve Ever Heard

Background: before you dive in keep this mind. We are business travelers here at the CBoardingGroup so we view life through that lens and the dumb travel tips noted below are lambasted from the point of view of a sarcastic business traveler. Also..don’t be so serious.

Bring a towel

For some reason, many travel bloggers suggest bringing a towel with you on a trip. But seriously, who brings a towel? Dumb idea. It just takes up space in your backpack or suitcase. You can always get one when you are there. Beside, then you have to travel with a wet towel! Skip the towel.

Pack a swimsuit

Let’s be real – are you really going to go swimming while on your business trip? No. You’re not. Stop fooling yourself. The chances of you taking a dip in the covered Hampton Inn pool in Minot, ND is highly unlikely. Lose suit. Save the room in your bag.

Check your bag

Some people ain’t bright. “I don’t want to have to lug my stuff through airport!” Translation: you are too stupid to pack less stuff.

The first rule of business travel is NEVER CHECK YOUR BAG.

Yeah, ok, I know you are thinking who the heck is this a-hole. Fine. Bring it. I stand by my opinion. And yes, there are a few exceptions to the rule (like golf clubs, or tools, etc), but they are rare.

You Should Rent from Avis

Ok, now I am just picking on Avis. I am a National Rental Car guy. Have been for years. Great service, slick rental process, good cars, etc. Avis…eh, not so much. For some reason the business travel gods are punishing me by forcing me to have to rent Avis at my current firm. #CurseYouAvis. I won’t lie. They really suck.

Have a cocktail on the plane because it will help you sleep

First of all, drinking at 7am is a stupid idea (you know who you are “guy on that Southwest flight to Midway last week!”) Second, are you really gonna sleep? And if so, how “good” of sleep is it really going to be. If you want to drink – drink. You don’t need a friggin reason. You are an adult.

Dress to impress on the flight

Full stop. Have you ever been on a plane? Does wearing a suit w/ uncomfortable shoes and a tie sound like the kind of idea that mixes well w/ a coach seat on a regional Delta flight to Boise? Uh, no.

I get it if you are coming BACK home having just left the customer site (I still throw on jeans), but wear something comfortable and throw on the nicer clothes when you get there. Besides, you won’t look like a wrinkled mess when you get there.

You are not Don Draper, so get comfy.

Get some booze at the Duty Free shop, man!

Sigh…are you really so poor that you need to save a few bucks by buying a gallon of man perfume at JFK? Or that bottle of wine that will probably break in the overhead compartment and cover you with 1984 Chardonnay? And who wants to lug that crap around for the rest of your tip. Skip the duty free…and stay free, man.

Sit by an emergency exit to survive a plane crash

Listen, you’re going to die if the plane crashes. Sully ain’t flying your plane. If you sit near the exit you just get to be the person who dies first. Yay! You sit near an exit row for one reason and one reason only. LEG ROOM.

Sit at the back of the airplane to survive a plane crash

See #8 for your chances of survival. Also, pro tip for you here: if you sit at the back of airplane you get to look at peoples crotches all flight while they queue up for the lavatory. #hardpass.

That’s all the dumb travel tips we’ve got…how about you?

Travel is hard, man. I know! I do it every day. And maybe you do too. But don’t make it harder by following stupid advice. Stick w/ the pros and follow our lead. Or don’t. It will give us something to laugh at.

And if you are craving more laughs, check out our business travel memes.

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Jeremy Ballou

Jeremy Ballou is the editor of the CBoardingGroup.com and a long-time writer in both the travel and tech industry. Most days he's in thinking about travel or writing about it.

14 comments

Carmen | Wellington World Travels September 12, 2018 - 9:04 am

I never bought a towel nor a swimsuit for the same reasons. I’d rather be walking around than sunbathing. Not my thing. Now that I am traveling with my kids, I check bags. But when i travel alone, there’s no need to checked in bags and I do request for exit rows (again, except now that I’m with kids). And I don’t drink. I had fun reading this!!!

J Smith - Biz Travel Blogger September 12, 2018 - 9:45 am

Thanks so much!

DaninMCI September 11, 2019 - 9:05 am

Avis isn’t so bad, at least it’s not Enterprise (time consuming) or Fox or Thrifty or…. but I love reading travel tips from experts. The best though are cruise and disney trip packing advise from crazy folks. One of my favorite is: https://youtu.be/pjZ8Bskc8N0

Christian September 11, 2019 - 11:55 am

You make some valid points, although you’ve got some harsh critiques as well. If someone wants to dress up for a flight, buy a bottle of scotch for cheap or use Avis, so what? A swimsuit takes up almost no space or weight. Some people have too much stuff to fit within carryon restrictions. That said, I do think that bringing a towel in your luggage is a singularly poor idea and if your plane crashes, you’re pretty unlikely to walk away regardless of where you sit.

If I had to add one, I’d say the whole “dress nice to be upgraded” myth is pretty dumb.

Hal September 11, 2019 - 1:07 pm

I do bring a swimsuit sometimes if I’m staying at Park Hyatt, Four Seasons, or St. Regis. It’s kind of nice to take a dip in the indoor pool. Dress to impress is hilarious unless you like taking selfies on the plane in a suit. My travel outfit is lulu or rhone athleisure and dark colored sneakers that can also work with jeans. I don’t dress up any nicer flying in Etihad F, a gulfstream or flying on Southwest.

Beth September 11, 2019 - 2:12 pm

When you travel to developing countries, you most definitely want to bring a towel, something you don’t mind throwing away at the end.

Jimmy September 11, 2019 - 2:28 pm

Point #1 indicates that you’ve never read Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. Shame.

The C Boarding Group September 11, 2019 - 3:04 pm

It’s my 2nd fav series!

Jurgen September 12, 2019 - 9:18 am

Haha, these are hilareous. In all fairness, I used my swimwear twice 😉

Christian September 12, 2019 - 2:51 pm

I’m curious why my comments are being censored. While I disagreed with part of your above points, I certainly don’t think that my comments were particularly vicious or disagreeable. I always thought that entertaining opinions that don’t exactly mirror your own leads to a more open mind. It seems you may disagree, but it’d be interesting to know your rationale.

The C Boarding Group September 12, 2019 - 2:53 pm

I don’t think they are Christian.

Christian September 12, 2019 - 3:55 pm

Then my most sincere apologies. I sent through some comments that somehow had problems, even though it seemingly went through.

The C Boarding Group September 12, 2019 - 7:14 pm

No worries and thanks for the comments. Love them!

Jo September 22, 2019 - 4:07 pm

I would bring a swimsuit because I’d still go swimming! I can understand the getting fancy for the plane thing, though. In Jamaica it was (and I guess you could make a case that it often still is) a norm to dress in your best clothes for the airpline ride. But these days many of us prefer to be comfy!